Confusion

She invites me over today for dinner, 2 days after our little... "talk" I am confused beyond measure. What does she want from me? Does she want me to be her friend and just a friend? But she wants me so close to her she even ask me to have dinner on monday :/ what should I do? Should I treat her well? I mean I don't think I can even choose that anymore, my heart just compels me to do stuff for her. I bought her some manuka honey today,who would know... a small jar cost 60 bucks damn that's a rip off.. I got some of those they sell in sachets as well so that she could take to school. Will she feel happy? Or touched? I have no idea... I'm just hope she takes the honey... haze is getting pretty bad . So anyways... she doesn't want to be in a relationship, but she wants me close by? :/ am I just a dog to her? Or is she trying to feel out if she want to be with me and trying to make a decision? I have no idea it's a push pull I'm going through now.... is this all just a test and she actually had feelings for me? I know what I will do and I will do it... I will just have to wait out and see what she really is trying to do... but it's not easy... and the thought of it not working out is driving me insane... she seems like we never had a fight at all? Does it not affect her at all? Does she even place any care for us? Even as friends? So many questions that I can't even ask her because I don't think she even know herself... I do know that I feel pain whenever I leave her after we meet... is it because deep down I have an expectation for her  to end it or to patch back? I think it's kinda unfair for her to keep me hanging like that .... at the edge of my seat . I fear that she's just using me... whenever she's lonely or sad I'm just her toy to play with and throw to a corner when she's done... is this gonna be permanent? Is that what she means when she said everything will be alright? Does she expect or hope that I will just simply stop loving her? And just be her friend? Is that what she means when she says " everything will be alright? " if that is what she has in mind than I think that's pretty messed up and she's a really nice person to everyone but extremely cruel towards me... I don't know how long I can hang on like this at the cliff of my sanity but like a man on a raft in the middle of the ocean, I have no choice but to simply.... carry on...

Pain

It's been a week? The pain hasn't gotten any less intense in fact it's even worse now
... everything seems to just piss me off now... to me she was my rock but I was just a stepping stone for her..

Love is a choice and so is pain

I lost the love of my life.... I know deep down she's been distancing herself away from me months ago I just took the cowards way out and just ignore the signs assuring myself that everything is fine well about 2 months ago I finally had what was coming " actually I see you more as a friend" that pierced my heart like a butterknife it hurt more that anything I have ever experienced... what do living things do when they experience pain? They struggle, thrash about and try to find an escape. Nothing makes sense to them and you can't reason with them when they are in pain. Pain is all they know in their minds and hearts so...  I did what any creature would do.... I lashed out... hurting the one I loved and upon realisation pained me greatly... well she probably gave me hope and pretended everything was okay as she try to carry on for another 2 months. The truth is.... I have no idea why this happened... I start to blame everything, her school her company of friends , I even blamed her church for putting ideas in her head that were not true... but in fact I realise now that I have no one to blame but myself. The simple fact is that I failed.... I failed as a boyfriend... I was not there for her in her time of need... I failed to give her the support she needed... I failed to see to her needs emotionally. I even failed to realise how much I love her from the start... I believe that love is more of a decision than a feeling. It's easy to fall in love. Falling in love only takes a moment of affection and  attraction it doesn't last...  but after falling comes the difficult and selfish part. You see when u fall in love, there isn't a bed of roses that u fall upon its a cold hard selfish decision that you have to make for yourself no matter how close you two may be. You have to choose if that person is worth loving and worth of your love.... this is the truth .... human love is selfish and ugly at times... if you don't believe me then how do you think married couples feel all the time for 20 30 or even 40 years? It's not always like the first day he or she confess their love towards you.... it becomes a commitment and a choice to love someone I think any reason people give to break up is bullshit it really is... " I'm busy" "I'm not ready to be in a relationship" " I don't think we really click" given that there is a certain amount of truth in these reasons but ultimately,  what a person is trying to say when he or she breaks up with you is " I don't want to love you ... I choose not to because  yada yada yada" but I chose to love her I  saw the jewel that is her soul and I gave her my 100% but the question that I have asked myself many times and am still asking is that was I too late?... I guess deep down I sorta know that she at some point decided that I was not worth loving or...maybe made that decision from the start after she fell in love. I blame no one but myself I gave her the reason to stop loving me... I deserve all this pain right now. I do admit me being selfish, I want her back so badly... everything reminds me of her when I see the road we used to walk on to the mere colour of blue just brings her to mind... every couple holding hands on the train now sends fresh splinters into my heart and I have to look away... as my mind wanders off from time to time I am reminded of her smile, her face.... that face that I would selfishly hide from the world and keep her for myself  if I could.... I feel like I can't step out of the house without feeling any pain... she's telling me to give her time to think, maybe to think of a nice way to ask me to bugger off? I pray that GOD give me strength to carry on and I give up on finding a reason why she feels this way about me. Now I am clinging on and hoping that there is still a chance to carry on where it all went wrong... this internal battle within me is liquefying my innards I can't sleep or eat, I have barely the energy to shower... I hope this struggle is not for long only GOD can help me...  please make it all right

Another sad story?

I'm broken.... this year has been real shit to me and it's difficult to pretend that I'm fine anymore.... my dad lost his job done 6 years ago and now..  I found out that he is a rich man! But for some reason, we live like our pockets are empty!   we even sold our house and now we're renting a place looking for a permanent home. He doesn't even want my mother to see a doctor when she falls sick.... I have no idea what is going on in his mind.... how can he put a price on health? And not to mention his wife???? Speechless... I can endure any nonsense he has in order to save his money but this is unacceptable...... sometimes I don't even want to come home... the fights and quarrels... army life hasn't been a bed of roses either... having this new OC really sucks...  she can't do her job at all.... how she's constantly only obsessed with doing PT. I mean if the army pays you to do your job shouldn't you put in some effort to get your shit together and get stuff done right? I mean I wouldn't say I'm a great spec but I actually get things done to the best of my ability, and I'm an nsf buddy.... 2 years and I'm gone... this is your whole career and you don't even wanna put in effort? I can't believe our army has officers like that...some times  I'm embarrassed to be part of this organisation.... she even blames us when she makes a mistake...  but I means what's new, being a spec in the saf? "With pride we lead"? If that was true why would the army put it in the specialist creed? Trying to Make us say it over and over until we believe it's true? Bullshit...  we are nothing but stress balls to them...

2nd april 2016

My name is Aloysius .I'm a simple guy nothing special about me I'm not handsome or funny or smart or rich. I believe that life is like a car driving down a highway. Everyone only gets one car. I'm Just a guy trying trying to drive down a highway called life and recently,  I've taken so many wrong turns and gotten into so many accidents. I won't bore anyone with the details of my problems and pains but I'm afraid that my car has taken too many damages only the great healer time can mend it.